Sue Snell: I had a traumatic experience in high school. I tried to help someone, and it backfired horribly.
Jeffrey Wigand: So, what you're saying is it wasn't enough to fire me for no good reason. Now you question my integrity? On top of the humiliation of being fired, you threaten me? You threaten my family? It never crossed my mind not to honor my agreement. And I will tell you, Mr. Sandefur... and Brown and Williamson too - fuck me? Well, fuck you.
Eddie: In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up.
The Ghost of Christmas Present: You should have accepted Fred's invitation to dine.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: What?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: For Fran's sake, if not for yours.
Titus: O handle not the theme, to talk of hands, Lest we remember still, that we have none.
Elsa Morganthal Strauss-Armistan: If I hadn't been there for you then, you wouldn't be here for me NOW.
Kathryn: So I assume you've come here to make arrangements, but unfortunately, I don't fuck losers.
Jip: I'm having a monumental case of "Mr. Floppy."
Larry Houdini: I am Larry Houdini.
Frances Bacon McCausland: So I guess you were almost named after Harry Houdini? Houdini isn't even a real name.
Larry Houdini: I'm not a real person.
Narrator: The male and female feed on a meal of dead earth creature and vegetation.
Ann: He said not to ever do that to me again. He said that if you do he'll have you taken off to prison and locked up and you'll never ever see me again, and you'll have to eat ice-cream on your own.
Adele: You went too far with the ice cream business. He did not say that.
Ann: Yes, he did.
Adele: No, he did not.
Ann: And he wants to adopt me. He finds me very attractive.
Adele: ...Thank you Ann, Thank you. And your fiance will be back here in 2 minutes to see if we moved the car.
Cynthia: We don't even have money in our budget for coffee filters. We're using a yarmulke.
Trip: Man, this is better than the first time I got to finger a chick, man.
Jimmy Sands: Clip their wings? Man, could you just shoot their damn heads off? And don't miss.
Herman Mankiewicz: What about Marion?
Orson Welles: She's just another piece in his collection. Another animal in his zoo.
Herman Mankiewicz: Well to Hearst, that is love. "I love you, I built you a beautiful cage."
Heather Donahue: I just want to apologize to Josh's mom, and Mike's mom, and my mom. I am so sorry! Because it was my fault. I was the one who brought them here. I was the one that said "keep going south." I was the one who said that we were not lost. It was my fault, because it was my project. I am so scared! I don't know what's out there. We are going to die out here! I am so scared!
Donna: Where are we?
Joe: It's a little inlet, on the back side of Coashov Island.
Donna: Is that like up Shit Creek without a paddle?
Joe: Yeah, pretty much.
Candy Striper: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?
Jake Hill Conley: Don't let it die a virgin.