Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
Franz Liebkind: Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving.
Franz Liebkind: That is not how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band! This is how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band.
Leo Bloom: Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE.
Franz Liebkind: The Fuhrer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! The Fuhrer was butch.
Leo Bloom: We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
Max Bialystock: Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings.
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Roger De Bris: Quick darling, back in the closet.
Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
Leo Bloom: Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian.
Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us.
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.
Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT.
Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat.
Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT books.
Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
Franz Liebkind: I must tell my birds.
Ulla: My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
Max Bialystock: What is your first name?
Ulla: Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: We don't have the time.
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
