Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.
Jill: Hal... I'm not attracted to you.
Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real.
Mauricio: You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.
Mauricio: You Had Me At "Get Lost."
Mauricio: The point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch and Lomb. And very fat, some of them. It's like Hal has lowered his whole...Jesus, you've got a big noggin.
Tony Robbins: Thanks for noticing. I have a new book out, it's got a chapter on blurting. You might wanna pick it up.
Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.
Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.
Mauricio: She's got cankles.
Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.
Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.
Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H..
Tony Robbins: Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.
Chosen answer: Yes. Just as Hal sees many unattractive and/or overweight women to be thin and beautiful due to their true personalities, he sees Nurse "Sourpuss" - who is a beautiful woman - to be old and ugly due to hers.
Jeff Swanson