Joy Gresham: We can't have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That's the deal.
Regina: If you want your dog back, call my lawyer.
Laura Jackson: What a stupid idiot.
Jed Clampett: Did you say something, ma'am?
Laura Jackson: What a stupendous intellect.
Jethro: That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.
Matt: I just haven't been with that many girls.
Vivian: I'm a real good teacher.
Caine: For all the bullshit they try to teach you in high school, I graduated with about half of it. But then, I didn't go to school but half the time. The other half, I was out selling dope. Growing up out here, there was shit that couldn't be learned in no classroom.
Seitz: Sir, what about our friend Coontz?
Paul McDaggett: Well, if we'd let him live, we'd have to have paid him.
Cliff Murdoch: I just figured out why the Cubs lose every year. They've got more talent in the stands than they do in the field.
Euripides: Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls, best balls I ever had. Uh-huh, you've got King-Kong balls. Your balls are so large, just big balls, I don't care. You just got big balls.
Louis Stevens: Can you turn that music... up?
Ken Malansky: Of all the courtrooms in all the world, she had to walk into mine.
Cole Parker: I want you to press the ignition button. You got me?
Dani Servigo: Ignition?
Cole Parker: Ignition. Yeah. Shit. He can't read. I tell you what you do. Hold up that first finger. Tell me what you see.
Dani Servigo: A finger.
Cole Parker: No, it looks like an "I." That's the first letter in "ignition."
Gene Loomis: Y'know, it's hard to believe you're a grown-up.
Ruth Corday: No kidding.
Lawrence Woolsey: You think grown-ups have it all figured out? That's just a hustle, kid. Grown-ups are making it up as they go along, just like you. You remember that, and you'll do fine.
Earl Piggot: You know, I don't know who you think would wanna look at your sad, middle aged ass anymore.
Doreen Piggot: Don't talk to me like that and don't you come back here! I'm not taking you back no more, understand? No more, I'm not taking you back.
Earl Piggot: I'm not coming back.
Doreen Piggot: Slobbering over Honey like that, it was so embarrassing.
Earl Piggot: I never touched Honey.
Doreen Piggot: I didn't say you touched her, I said you slobbered on her.
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take that tape.
Ernie: What about the First Amendment?
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Fuck the First Amendment.
Smith Keen: Didn't they also say they knew of no connection with the assassination?
Gray Grantham: Yes. But what else are they gonna say?
Leland Gaunt: When I started out I was just a peddler moving across the blind face of a distant land. Moving, always moving. Always gone... and in the end I'd always offer weapons. And they'd always take them. Of course I was gone before they realised what they'd purchased.
Maggie: How about you kiss my ass right in the crack?
Country Store Clerk: What you doin' out this way?
Sam Gillen: Hunting.
Country Store Clerk: In a suit?.. What kinda huntin'?
Sam Gillen: Pink flamingos.