Brian Hope: Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no-one can prove you don't.
Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.
Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made.
Charlie McManus: You think so?
Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Carmine Sabatini: I'm getting too old for this nonsense.
Molly: ...you have no respect for women.
Joey: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question.
Molly: I guess.
Joey: We'll forget dinner.
Ken: I don't wanna play this game anymore.
Bob the Turk: I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it because they didn't do something someone told them to do.
Gus Cardinale: Don't worry Bob, I would never do something to make someone do something to someone, because that someone didn't do something that someone wanted them to do.
Bob the Turk: I'm glad we understand each other.
Gus Cardinale: ...Me too.
Ben: Cooper, I've got a shotgun out here. Open this door, you motherfucker, or I swear to God I'll blow it to shit.
Huey Walker: You know, Buckner, if it hadn't've been for you, I'd be in a warm cell right now.
John Buckner: Yeah, being beaten by a nice, warm, rubber hose.
Justin: Don't you ever run away from me.
Susie Waggoner: ...And you save your money... and buy a nice little house, with a white picket fence, and live happily ever after.
Frederick J. Frenger Jr.: Tell you what. Let's go straight to the "happily ever after" part, OK?
Spencer Barnes: I've worked hard to work this hard.
Christian: I'm tired of being my own rival.
Dr. Herbert West: He's a wife-beater, Dan! Use the gun.
Sailor: Man, I had a boner with a capital "O."
George Jetson: Jane! Get me off this crazy thing.
Kathy: Hold me. Please hold me.
Emory Leeson: I am holding you.
Kathy: I know, but it's a woman thing. I have to say it.
Army Officer: Mr. Singer. What an appropriate name for a man who can't keep his mouth shut.
The Player: Are you familiar with this play?
Guildenstern: No.
The Player: A slaughterhouse! Eight corpses all totaled.
Guildenstern: Six!
The Player: Eight.
[Two actors act out being hanged, foreshadowing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's demise.]
Guildenstern: What are they?
The Player: They're dead. (01:11:11)
Turkell: It must be visiting hours, 'cause my friend is back.