Vinnie: I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school, you know, where they teach English as a second language. You know, because these girls would be from foreign lands and, you know, maybe still a little disoriented from the journey and I would look attractive because... I speak English very goodly. But in the end it did not work out as I had hoped, I mean, basically I was told to take a hike in fourteen languages.
Donald Morton: Excuse me. Do you know when the next bus, uh 217, runs?
Man at bus stop: Sorry.
Donald Morton: I'm chasing someone.
Man at bus stop: By bus?
Donald Morton: Well, it's important.
Man at bus stop: Important enough to take the bus?
Donald Morton: Yeah. My girlfriend left me because I wanted to get married and she wanted to stay just friends.
Man at bus stop: Ah. The slower this chase, the better.
Donald Morton: Yeah.
Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.
The Kid: So, as just a guy who gave another guy a sandwich, you have, like, any philosophical tips or anything, for a guy on a-kind of - road trip?
Don Johnston: You asking me?
The Kid: Yeah.
Don Johnston: Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future, isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is, is this. The present. That's it.
The Kid: Are you a Buddhist?
Amos Cadbury: If that thing is real, I say we grab that mother fucker and we take it in to Leno, Letterman. How much dough can you make from a talking cookie... heh dough, cookie, get it?
Gloria Goodfellow: Petey? Petey? Walter?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Ah, Gloria. This is Bob and Ted from the waterboard, we're just discussing the.
Gloria Goodfellow: Walter, where's Petey?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Oh Lord! Mrs Calloway called about her crisis of faith. She was on the verge of losing it.
Gloria Goodfellow: I know the bloody feeling.
Julian Noble: I'm as serious as an erection problem.
Tessa: Will you fuck off with the fucking candles?
Nick Persons: Oh Damn! Boy Didn't you hear what I just said?
Lindsey Kingston: Ooh, you just swore.
Nick Persons: Your damn right I swore, that's about $400 dollars worth of damage to my new car.
Lindsey Kingston: That's twice! Now you have to put two dollars in the swear jar.
Hollywood Henderson: Katelin.
Katelin Kingsford: Et tu, Hollywood?
Opal: Music is better if someone's listening.
Otis: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Romy White: Why am I the only one who sees how great I am?
Cousin Bo: I wanna buzz your butt.
Otis: Sssssmokin.
Narrator: When you're a gay man, you have to feel good about yourself when a urologist says, 'Yeah. I pick you.'.
Roland Sharp: Furthermore, I'd appreciate it if you'd cover yourselves in our presence. I realise how very proud you are... of your tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications. However, my colleagues and I do not need to see these! Are there any questions?
Teresa: I have one. Are you always such a dick?
Roland Sharp: Yes.
Nick Naylor: The message Hollywood needs to send out is 'Smoking Is Cool!'.