Gaylord Oaks: Welcome to Prague.
Jake Hayes: Looks like Newark.
Donald Kaufman: Hey, Charles. I pitched my script to mom.
Charlie Kaufman: Don't say pitch.
Rachel Bitterman: "Working for a dream." That's beautiful. You know, my employees work for salaries.
Dave: Your mama's got no teeth and that's perfect for her line of work.
Marcus: Who are you?
Mourad: Who am I? Until proof of the contrary, I can be your best friend.
Bob Crane: I think it's perfect for me. I mean, this character Hogan, he's quick on his toes, he's hip, he's a con artist. I don't wanna jinx it, but I think it's what I've been working toward my whole career.
Anne Crane: Really? You've been working towards a Holocaust comedy?
Bob Crane: Ann.
Anne Crane: What, Bob?
Bob Crane: Please, not in front of the children! They look up to me.
Anne Crane: They're small. They look up to everyone.
Professor Utonium: ...and I'll name you Buttercup, because... it also begins with a b.
Jakob Elinsky: What do we say to him?
Frank Slaughtery: We say nothin'. The guy's going to hell for seven years, what are going do wish him luck?
Tommy Ross: So... did your ceiling like... just collapse or something?
Carrie White: Yes. Yes my ceiling just collapsed, just now.
Tommy Ross: Whoa. Can I see it?
Carrie White: No.
Paikea: A long time ago, my ancestor Paikea came to this place on the back of a whale. Since then, in every generation of my family, the first born son has carried his name and become the leader of our tribe... until now.
Slim: You know the deal, you're here as an observer. You pay attention to the clock. You do not engage in gun play unless it is strictly necessary. We do not depart from the plan in any way.
Jerry: Yeah, whatever you say. Only one thing, does this plan change any if you're dead?
Catherine: Oh, eww, this arugal is so bitter! It'l like my algebra teacher on my bread.
Tate: I killed my grandfather, because he is a cheater who likes to tell war stories, and I killed my grandmother because she's a passive-aggressive bitch who doesn't respect my privacy.
Steve Irwin: Didja see that?
Eden: These waves are for the big boys.
Christabel LaMotte: I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.
Jack Van Meter: Get the hell down from there. While you're grandstanding here the city is starting to burn. Jimmy for Christ sakes.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: If the city is starting to burn, Jack, it's partly because of guys like you and me. And I may be a goddamm alcoholic but that doesn't mean I can't tell the truth - and I've got all the deep deep dirt right here. Somebody put the cufs on me - let me start talking.
Medical Examiner: Give me a break, I had to jerk off twice this morning just to get my heart started.