Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.
Perry White: I want the name of this flying whatchamacallit to go with the Daily Planet like bacon and eggs, franks and beans, death and taxes, politics and corruption.
Melissa: Well I think I've had just about enough of this, thank you very much. I'll think I'll take my things and GET OUT. If you'll pull over to the side, I'm sure I can hitch a ride very easily... Weren't you listening to me? I said I'm ready to get out.
Rubber Duck: You want out? We're being chased. You want out? Jump.
Melissa: You want to add the Mann Act to your collection?
Rubber Duck: Mann Act's for 18 year olds, not someone who's seen the better side of thirty.
Mary Ann: He didn't mean any harm, Skipper.
Skipper: Neither did the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
General: You'd better bring a coat Mr. Richardson, there's a little Jap in the air.
Dr. Morrison: He means nip.
Marv Gomez: Dancing. Everything else is bullshit.
Newspaperman: Isn't it true that an accident in your west coast nuclear plant could stimulate seismic activity in the San Andreas fault, which could destroy most of southern California?
Tony Abbott: I think you'd have to define "destroy."
Maggie McKeown: That guard is still out there.
Paul Grogan: Fine, I need you to distract him.
Maggie McKeown: What for?
Paul Grogan: So I can get away.
Maggie McKeown: So you can get away? What about me?
Paul Grogan: Well suit yourself. Just come onto him, tell him what an admirer you are of Army or something like that.
Maggie McKeown: What if he's gay?
Paul Grogan: Then I'll go and distract him.
Lou Peckinpaugh: Don't be stubborn, you crazy Frenchman. Time is on their side.
Bess: I don't think he's being stubborn - I think he's being dead.
Lou Peckinpaugh: Just once I'd like to see somebody die regular on this case.
Narrator: Mick, why do you think the Rutles broke up?
Mick Jagger: Why do I think they did? Why did the Rutles break up? Women. Just women. Getting in the way. Cherchez la femme, you know.
Narrator: Do you think they'll ever get back together again?
Mick Jagger: I hope not.
Jake - voice: My name is Zunar J 5 Slash 9 Doric 4 7.
Frank: Uh, Z-Zunar.
Jake - voice: ...Let's just stick with 'Jake', okay?
Emile Prevert: Why me? You could have Tom, Dick or Harry.
Emmannuelle Prevert: I don't want Tom or Harry.
Simone Legree: But I saw your funeral on TV.
Clouseau: Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?
Henry Moon: We was just sayin' how much we needed a figurine.
Tony Carlson: I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Gloria Mundy: Yes, and it seems to be in your mouth.
Tony Carlson: OK, I deserve that. Listen, it's Gloria, right? You're a really nice girl and I'm a nice guy, and you're very pretty with or without cleavage, and what do you say... would you like to take a shower?
Gloria Mundy: I don't pick up strange men.
Tony Carlson: Well, that's your problem.
Gloria Mundy: So why don't you try it?
Grandmaster Pai Cheng-Cheh: What a bitch. I hope she drops dead.